Proof of… what?

When I was a child, I wanted to be like everyone else. But I could not, even though I tried hard.

I tried to prove I am like everyone else.

Then slowly, things changed.

After a while, what I wanted to prove was that I can do things that nobody else.

I wanted to prove I can win math competitions. — I did.

I wanted to prove I can code. — I did.

Then I wanted to prove I can get applied to the university. — I could.

There I had to prove that as a minority (girl) I can be “good enough” amongst the majority (boys). — So I did.

I had to prove that I can work AND study at the same time to survive. — So I worked hard, studied hard, and yes, eventually I got my MSc. while working almost full-time by that time.

I already came a long way but it was still not enough.

Shortly after I got my diploma, I also got an opportunity to speak at international conferences. So here was another thing to prove: I can be good enough even though my native language is not English.

I had to prove that I can be good enough as someone from a country far far away.

Then after a while speaking at events was not enough.

I started to work on international projects. And I wanted to prove I was good enough, even if I live in a country far far away, and my native language is not English.

And belonging. I wanted to belong so much. I have always been introvert, so belonging to the “cool guys” always seemed impossible.

But I wanted it so much. I wanted to prove that I can belong there.

My worries have always been that I am a girl/woman, I am from a crazy country far far away called Hungary, and I speak English as a second language. I was sure there is no way I can be “good enough”.

It might sound insane but at the same time, I did not know how to “belong” to somewhere other than family either.

I knew how to fight for my studies, for a job, for a speaking engagement… but one cannot fight for “belonging”, right? And since I was always busy with fighting for something, for getting the next step of my life done, I never learned or thought about how to belong somewhere.

And to be honest, I was also afraid to “belong”…

Of course, over the time, I met more and more introvert and like-minded people, and I am grateful to say that I even made friends.

But that crazy need of proving still was there.

After a while, I could not really tell anymore what I really should prove but I still felt the pressure.

And then something happened.

I am still not sure when but I started to feel that I need more “me time”. Which might sound counterproductive…

I started to work out, and I started to pay attention to my own well-being.

I thought it was important because of myself, and it was important because of my family, too.

But actually, it also had an unexpected side effect…

As I started to feel better, I started to have more and more self-confidence, too.

And this increasing self-confidence resulted in less and less self-doubt. And also, less and less doubt in others.

Now, I trust who I know I can trust but I was afraid to really trust earlier. I know who my friends are and I am so happy to call them friends.

Apparently, I needed the self-confidence and to be able to accept myself first, so that finally I can believe the world accepts me for who I am, too, and I don’t have to prove anything, anymore.

This is such a liberating feeling!

Thank you everyone, who has been part of my journey! You know who you are.

There is still a long way ahead but finally I know I am on the right path.

I am a transformational life coach, supporting high achieving professionals on the journey to find their true calling, and pursue their dreams. Ever wonder who you would be if you got past the fear? Curious what you could be capable of if you shed the blocks holding you back? I am here to help you to discover.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *